endless gifts, faith, family, winter

Letting Go

Tonight I am feeling sad – poignant – oldest son – 25 – has been home with us for 2 and half weeks and is heading back to London, England tomorrow. He loves it there and I’m happy for him but it is such a big ocean between us.

We’ve had a lovely time over the holidays -all five children home. Laughter, food, board games until the wee hours, a lot of funny “remember whens” – a house bursting at the seams with teenagers and 20 somethings.

Is it my age or what? but I keep looking at them and remembering when they were little and it brings me to tears. I miss when they were small and tucked up every night in bed. I loved to go in and pray over them while they slept – such a depth of love and longing that each one would be safe in the Lord – and would love and serve Him with all their hearts.

I miss their little voices – their funny stories – their sweet expressions of love. One little story keeps coming to mind- my middle boy seeing me in my slip with a lacy edge saying with awe “Mommy you’re so beautiful”

Maybe that’s it…although I am indescribably proud of the wonderful young men and woman that my children are becoming I miss being at the center of their world…

They have been the center of my world for so long.

What a gift to be a mother. We carry them in our bodies for nine months – protecting them as they grow and develop – bring them into the world in pain and tears but with such joy – tenderly feed them from our own bodies nestled close to our hearts. Who can ever forget those sweet, little faces – the tiny hand touching our cheek – the sweet little milky grins? We watch them grow – wipe away their tears – treasure the little love offerings – the dandelions clutched so proudly in the grubby fist – the crayon drawings on the fridge – the school reports – the hockey trophies – the music festival ribbons.

We agonize with them in their disappointments – the hurts.

And we pray – has anything motivated me more to pray than love for these five treasures from the Lord? Nothing… thank You Father.

And then we launch them out into the world.

I see them go so bravely and eagerly

and though they go I am still holding them – right in my heart – always.

I have only one prayer – that He who gave them to me will be the center of their lives.

” I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.”

I have been so happy being the mother of these children and it feels so hard to let them go – though I will – even smiling through these tears. I’m not the center any longer and I really don’t want to be. This is as it should be.

just tonight it feels hard…

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5 thoughts on “Letting Go

  1. Lovely thoughts about your children! My oldest (of 5 kids) is applying to colleges and some of them are FAR away! I am excited for her, but I get choked up just thinking about it. I can so vividly remember becoming a mommy for the first time–she was so cute and I was so scared of her! But alas, here we are. It is so true: The time goes by so quickly, you have to enjoy every minute!I love your blog and I will be back to visit soon!

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  2. Ahh, yes, grandchildren. If only there was some way to get to the grandchildren w/out releasing one’s own. My oldest is 14, and it does go by so fast. I can’t believe how she’s grown. I’m sorry for yor sadness. London is a bit of a trip. I hope God gives you rich consolation in the times when you are missing him.

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  3. thanks sparrow. The sadness comes and then it goes – there’s also a lot of joy when you see them happy and productive – lving for the Lord. Sometimes I look at them and just shake my head – I find it hard to believe these talented young people are mine!And of course….someday…granchildren!

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  4. Even though I’m still in the middle of raising mine, I feel the beginnings of this kind of sadness. My son turning 13 was what prompted us to make our move to the country – now or never, the time is slipping by so fast!It sounds like you have children to be proud of. Can’t wait to learn more about your family.

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